Expectation vs Reality: What Happens When We Don’t Back Ourselves?

Expectation vs Reality: What Happens When We Don’t Back Ourselves?

What throws us when things don't go to plan?

Is it actually the situation?

Or is it the gap between what we expected to happen and what actually happened?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, particularly after an activity I run in my Think Set Go workshops.

I originally designed the activity to demonstrate expectation vs reality.

But recently, I've realised it is teaching me something else entirely.

Something about self-talk, confidence and backing yourself.

The Cone Challenge

Two participants race against each other to collect a series of cones.

One participant starts with the closest cone. The other starts with the furthest cone.

Before they begin, I ask everyone:

“Who do you think will win?”

The audience votes.

Originally, I used this to demonstrate how our expectations can influence the way we respond when things don't go according to plan.

We do this all the time.

We expect a certain result in a test.

We expect our teacher to respond a certain way.

We expect our friend to react in a particular way.

We expect our day to unfold in a certain way.

And when it doesn't, we can feel frustrated, disappointed or completely thrown.

But perhaps sometimes it's not that something has gone wrong.

It has simply gone differently to what we expected.

And the stronger our expectation, the more surprising the reality can feel.

But then I started asking a different question.

Recently, instead of asking the audience who they think will win, I've started asking the participants themselves:

“Who do YOU think will win?”

And I've been fascinated by the responses.

So many students immediately point to their opponent.

Before the race has even started.

They haven't tested their speed.

They haven't seen how the other person will perform.

They don't know what is going to happen.

Yet they're already predicting that the other person will be better than them.

Why?

Are they assuming their opponent is faster?

More coordinated?

More athletic?

More capable?

Are they comparing themselves to the person standing next to them?

Are they talking themselves down because they don't want to appear arrogant?

Or perhaps there is another reason.

Maybe, if they don't back themselves from the beginning, losing won't feel as bad.

If I never really expected to win, then perhaps I won't be as disappointed when I don't.

And suddenly, this activity became about much more than expectation.

It became about what happens when we don't back ourselves.

Because anything can happen.

This is what makes the cone challenge so interesting.

The outcome is incredibly unpredictable.

The cones are surprisingly difficult to pick up.

Participants fumble.

They reach for a cone and miss it.

They go too fast and lose control.

The pressure gets to them and their body doesn't quite keep up with what their mind is telling it to do.

A cone can slide away.

Someone can stumble.

Someone can slip right at the end.

And sometimes the person who looks like the obvious winner doesn't win at all.

The person who appeared slower can win simply because they stay consistent, keep going and back themselves.

There are so many variables.

Some we can see.

Some we can't.

And some we don't even know exist until they happen.

That's the teaching point.

We don't know how the story will unfold.

Yet how often do we make decisions as though we do?

We tell ourselves:

“I'm probably not going to get the result I want anyway.”

“They're better than me.”

“I won't be good at that.”

“What's the point?”

“There’s no way I'll get it.”

“I'll probably fail.”

And then we don't try.

Or we start, but give up much earlier than we need to.

We talk ourselves out of opportunities because we've already predicted the ending.

But the truth is...

We have no idea how the future is going to unfold.

There are always variables at play.

Some are happening right in front of us.

Others are happening behind the scenes.

A conversation we haven't had yet.

An opportunity we don't know is coming.

A person we haven't met.

A mistake that changes our direction.

A new idea.

A moment of confidence.

A small decision that creates another opportunity.

Something unexpected that completely changes the outcome.

Just like the cones.

We can make a prediction.

We can prepare.

We can have a plan.

But we cannot control every variable.

So what if we backed ourselves anyway?

Backing yourself doesn't mean believing you're definitely going to win.

It doesn't mean thinking you're better than everyone else.

It doesn't mean expecting everything to go perfectly.

It simply means giving yourself a chance.

It means staying in the game when the outcome isn't going the way you hoped.

It means being willing to adjust when the plan changes.

It means not deciding you're incapable simply because something feels difficult.

It means remaining flexible enough to let the story unfold.

Because when we don't back ourselves from the beginning, we can sometimes give ourselves permission to opt out too early.

We see one unexpected result and decide the whole thing isn't going to work.

We make one mistake and decide we're not good enough.

Someone else appears more capable and we decide there's no point trying.

We predict the ending before we've actually lived the story.

Maybe the question isn't “Will I win?”

Maybe a better question is:

“Am I willing to give myself a chance to find out?”

Because the outcome is never entirely within our control.

But our willingness to keep going, adjust, learn and back ourselves is.

And sometimes...

the person who wins isn't the person who started out looking the fastest.

It's the person who stayed in it.

So the next time something doesn't go the way you expected, perhaps pause before deciding it has gone wrong.

Ask yourself:

Did it actually go wrong?

Or did it just not go to plan?

And if you find yourself talking yourself out of something before you've even started...

What if you backed yourself instead?

Then ask yourself:

Do I need to change how I'm THINKING about this?

How I'm SETTING myself up?

Or how I'm TAKING ACTION?

Because sometimes, one small shift can make a massive difference to what happens next.

Just something to think about.